I snuck out of my http://community.livejournal.com/1bruce1/profile Unicorn club meeting to pick up some snarking tips from Kristy and the other BSC members. I can check out any time I like but now Kristy says I can never leave!

This is my first post to the BSC community, long time lurker who read everyone's brilliant BSC snarks (lemme just say you are, all of you, awesome!) got bit by the recap bug and had this mad urge to join in the fun over here. I've noticed I'm not the only 1Bruce1 member gone AWOL nearly all Francine Pascal catalog is recapped now, go check it out!

In this book, Karen is an annoying, obnoxious, little brat (quit staring, it's true) who's obsession with beauty salons finally went so far as to go down in BSC history. Mary Anne even references this book in #60 Mary Anne's Makeover-They destroyed poor Karen Brewer's hair...it might as well be called Gloriana's House of Horror. For everyone who's just been itching to see Karen get put in her place, well, hang onto your curlers, 'cause you're going to LOVE this!





It's mullet-time!!!!


I give you the greatest Little Sister cover art Ev-AH. There's Gloriana admiring her handiwork (with a shit-eating grin I might add) while that little freak in the chair is our exceptionally smart, bright, imaginative Karen, looking properly mortified, "I just got my hair cut by Morbidda Destiny and...SHE GAVE ME A MULLET!!!". Suck it Karen, you deserved every snip of those sissors.


This is the story of Karen's Haircut. You can read along with me in your book. You will know it is time to turn the page when you hear the chimes Karen squealing over her erotic obsessive-compulsiveness with beauty salons which occurs on, like, every freakin' page. *chimes sound*

Our story begins with Karen playing Whorely Lovely Ladies (thank God they're not playing that gay Let's All Come In game) with Nancy Dawes. In case you didn't know, Nancy is Karen's "little-house" on the prairie best friend. Did you know that Karen spends weekends at Watson's? He has a BIG HOUSE. When that happens Karen's "big-house" best friend becomes Hannie Papadakis. Why make up two different names? Because Karen is such a retard this is the only way she can remember her (only) two friends in the megatropolis that is Stoneybrook.

Karen and Nancy admire themselves in the mirror but Karen is just not feeling the Lover-ly-ness. "I am soooo God-awful ugly," she moans to Nancy. She has boring hair, missing teeth, her face is all wrong, she's cursed with having to wear glasses. She shatters every mirror she passes and for a minute I mistake Karen for Mallory or, better yet, Kramer from Seinfeld. "Look away, I'm hideous."

Nancy isn't quite sure how to react to all this self pity but never mind that now because (sqeee-time!!!) it's Friday and Karen is going to Watson's for the weekend! OMG teh big house!!!!!

We're now treated to five pages of exposition by Karen because, God forbid, we forget who lives in which house! And, oh yes, let's not forget your precious pets, Karen, becuase do I really give a rat's ass? Well, I suppose a mere five pages of exposition is better than the 50 page nightmare we have to endure in every chapter 2 in a regualar BSC book.

So, in case you didn't know I'll repeat for you again, every time Karen looks in the mirror she sees an ugly duckling. Not only is she uglier than Mallory (is that possible?) due to the glasses but she also sufferes from an acute case of loose teeth. Having loose teeth makes Karen feel ugly. Huge gaping holes in her mouth make her ugly. In Karen's warped perception of herself, she is so ugly everyone carries brown paper bags to cover their heads with before they'll be seen with her in public. Karen is so ugly she'll have to trick or treat by phone this year. I was never this obsessed with my looks at seven. I lost teeth, I sported the jack-o-lantern look for awhile but I don't remember ever freaking out about it. Suck it up Karen.

Ok, this chapter looks promising: Chapter 4, Karen's Loose Tooth, foreshadowing anyone?

Karen wakes up one morning and discovers she has two loose teeth, one of which is quite wiggly. Karen is so afraid she might swallow her loose tooth during breakfast, she eats her cold cereal with one hand while (I am not kidding) holding onto her TOOTH with the other! I don't know how she manages this without spraying milk and Cheerios all over the dining room while people are trying to eat but heaven forbid she should accidently SWALLOW said tooth. What a friggin' wonder child!

She's a small wonder, pretty and bright with soft curls. She's a small wonder, a girl unlike other girls. She's a miracle and I grant you, she'll enchant you at first sight. She's a small wonder, and she'll make your heart take flight, la la-la la la...sorry, got caught in an another 80's loop again, and I just typed that whole thing from memory! Cookies, if you're still singing along to it by the end of my recap.

So, after the family finishes applauding Karen the wonder child's ability to NOTswallow all her loose tooth while eating, Sam offers to play dentist and help Karen pull that annoying loose tooth out for her by using the old tie-tooth-to-doorknob trick. Karen gets as far letting Sam tie the string around her tooth before she chickens out. Sam suggests using pliers and Karen freaks and hurries off to call Stacey. Cue Watson who steps in with Kleenex and calmly removes the offensive tooth. Multiple talents, that millionaire.

And, that's how Karen lost her tooth, but instead of feeling all grown up and tooth-fairy-excited about it, like I did at seven, she STILL feels like an ugly duckling. Excuse me while I go grab a Kleenex of my own.

Karen goes over Hannie's house to show off her latest hole (and I mean the one in her mouth) while that second loose tooth is poised to fall out any minute now. Karen and Hannie play tag with some other kids. Karen does a spectacular Jackie Rodowsky, trips, falls flat on her face and *ding* that second loose tooth gets knocked out. Now, If there's anyone here who can't stand the sight of blood I suggest you cover your eyes while reading this next paragraph. How you will manage to do this, I don't know. I don't make the rules, I just type the jokes.

There's blood everywhere. It's pouring out of Karen's mouth. She spits her bloody tooth into her hand. "Gross, that is so disgusting!" sqeals the others who have never lost a tooth in their short lives.

Karen goes inside and Hannie's mom helps Karen get cleaned up. She rinses her mouth with salt water until the bleeding stops. Karen happens to glance at herself in the Papadakis's bathroom mirror. She decides she looks like...a freak, the ugliest duckling of all. Hey, look at that, the mirror just shattered.

Tired of playing tag, Karen and Hannie go inside and decide to play another round of Whorely Lovely Ladies. But Karen can't get into the sprit of the game. Hannie asks what's wrong and Karen runs down her list once more for Hannie, just like she did for Nancy, just in case we've forgotten how UG-ly she is. Karen also adds that her parents won't let her ditch the glasses and get contacts until she turns fourteen. "Fourteen!" shrieks Hannie, "You won't be fourteen for years." Oh, it's gonna be a lot longer than that, sweetie. You're, both of you, stuck at age seven. FOR-EV-ER!!! *echoes from The Sandlot*.

Fear not, Karen, Hannie's come up with a brilliant solution to making all things FUG-ly magically disappear. Karen should check out Gloriana's House of Hair. You can almost hear the heavenly chorus as Hannie speaks the name GLORIANA. They even do manicures there and nothing says "I'm so lovely" like a manicure from Gloriana.

Karen references my favorite BSC Super Special, the time she maxed out Watson's credit card during the cruise for her manicure at the ship's beauty salon. Karen thinks, "Hey, if it worked then..." Karen, excited at the thought of becoming beautiful at last, she tells Hannie she'll ask Daddy for permission to visit the salon for a beauty treatment right away.

Oh, and Hannie's getting married. Um...MARRIED? The kid's only seven years old! Since when did Stoneybrook became a third world country? Oh, wait, Hannie's not taking the actual plunge, she's somehow cooerced a boy into playing wedding with her. Hannie's going all out with this too-making up formal invitations, hiring a caterer, getting David Michael to play the minister and Karen's won the coveted job of wedding photographer. And I thought Sweet Valley won the prize for overcompensating.

So, aside from the fancy planning and catering, I'm really curious as to how Hannie's gonna manage to pull off this whole shebang. Which little neighborhood boy is stupid enough to agree to be the groom in all this? When I attempted to play wedding at that age I could never get the boys to cooperate, they'd always run and hide, (Ain't it funny how little boys never change?) luckily for Hannie, what happens in Stoneybrook stays in Stoneybrook.

Anyway Karen loves Hannie's idea of getting made over by Gloriana. Hannie, returning the favor, promotes Karen from lowly photographer to being an actual BRIDESMAID!!! with all the rights and privileges thereto, which includes standing in the actual wedding line. Suqeeeeee for Karen!!! who hurries home to Daddy Watbucks (kudos to whichever snarker came up with that name for Watson) to hit em' up. Karen is convinced she will walk out that beauty salon door the most glamorous of all. "Um, Karen," says Hannie, "there's a catch. You have to be pretty enough, even after "Gloriana's beauty treatment," before I let you be my bridesmaid." Gee, what a great BFF.

Before Watbucks can give Karen permission, he has to OK it with Karen's mom first (Darn you Karen always calling your mom "Mommy" why can't you just TELL me her name?!! *sighs, opens new browser to look it up* can't expect me to keep track of all these stupid character names... Ah, here it is! Lisa.)

Before Watson can give Karen permission, he has to OK it with LISA. The whole thing's arranged in just one sentence. He gives his permission AND his credit card to Karen. He even makes the appointment for her! Watson, have we learned nothing from Baby-Sitters on Board?

That night, Karen puts her two teeth under her pillow for the tooth fairy and falls alseep dreaming wet dreams of Tyra Gloriana Banks who will turn her into ANTM.

I must take a minute here to comment on p. 35's illustration. I no longer have access to a scanner or I'd include this picture. I'll have to do my best with a written description. The black and white drawing shows Karen lying on her bed, grabbing her pillow with this anguished look on her face. Karen totally looks like she's CRYING! This gets me EVERY FREAKIN TIME I see this. I have to stop and check the book to make sure she hasn't had her horrible haircut yet becuase why else would Karen be having a pity fest on her bed? No, she's not sobbing with angst over her hard knock life being the bright, imaginative daughter of a millionaire who can't loose a tooth without it being a major issue turns out Karen is just checking UNDER her pillow, discovering what the tooth fairy left her during the night. It's a blue barrette. Not a hundred dollar bill. Not even a stinking quarter! One. Blue. Barrette. Karen is supposed to look thrilled here. For loosing two teeth? The man's a millinonaire and a fancy new blue barrette is the best he can do? No wonder Karen looks miserable.

Yay, we're finally to Chapter 8 Karen's Beauty Treatment. This is the climax, you can just FEEL the earth trembling in anticipation. Look out world! Karen's gonna be hot shit after Glorianna. Lisa drives Karen along with Andrew (What, the BSC's too busy organizing the next L'l Miss Stoney-Pagent to watch him?) to the salon for teh BEAUTY TREATMENT! The building is all fancy silver and glass with a silver colored door and bright pink neon lights that spell Gloriana's House of Hair. Karen is going ape-shit can't get over all the neon-pink decorations. My God, they're EVERYWHERE.!!! It's all so beautiful. So magical. Gloriana-is-the-most-beautiful-name-in-the-universe! OMG, BEAUTY SALON!!!

Karen, two words, OK? Shut. Up. I'm thinking a good dunking in the shampoo bowl should cool her down. They make their way over to the receptionist's desk who confirms Karen's appointment with Gloriana. Even I'm getting antsy now.

A woman named Sally gives Karen her manicure and Karen is bummed it's not Gloriana. While her nails dried, Karen tells us, a man washes her hair. (Dammit, where IS this woman? I thought Gloriana ran the whole show here!) At this point, I'm beginning to suspect Gloriana's real name is Dalia and for Karen things are about to get sticky.

OMG, there she is! It's HER!! It's...the woman with strange poodle hair? Karen's a bit taken back as this woman suddenly appears with a towel for her wet head, introduces herself as Gloriana and leads Karen to her haircutting chair of torture it's BEAUTY TREATMENT TIME!!! Karen's so excited, basking at LONG LAST in the presence of Gloriana, she needs a clean set of shorts now.

Karen's a little suspicous of Gloriana's looks but it shouldn't really matter what Gloriana's hair looks like, should it? As long as Gloriana gives Karen a decent cut. Right? Right.

Karen hands Gloriana the picture of the cut she wants. Gloriana takes one look at the picture, tosses it aside and begins snipping away. As Gloriana works, it slowly dawns on Karen that something is not quite right in beauty-land. She whimpers, "Mommy" as she watches all her long hair fall into a pile on the floor while Gloriana, ala Mrs. Sharon Schafer, continues merrily snip-snip-snipping away.

When it's all done Karen tells us this "Was not the cut I had asked for." I'm assuming Karen was still all OMG BEAUTY SALON!!! to notice Gloriana whipping out the electric clippers for the buzz-cut part? Too awe-struck by Gloriana-the-most-beautiful-name-in the universe!!! to wake up and tell Cruella to put the scissors down and step away from the chair? Rhetorical, I know, just thought I'd point it out.

And what is Lisa's reaction after returning from taking Andrew to the potty? She takes one look at Karen and duhs, "Was this the cut you asked for, Karen?" while a practically bald Karen whimpers "No." and bursts into tears. Gloriana merely purrs, "It's the latest cut, trust me, Karen's very fashionable now." Gloriana, we *heart* you.

Apparently satisfied and probably thanking God it wasn't HER money wasted on this haircuting trip, Lisa packs Karen off to the car without another word and that's the last we ever see of Gloriana a woman to whom we owe a great debt, along with Paul Mitchell's school.

Karen cries all the way home. After much thought Karen also decides Gloriana no longer has the most beautiful name in the universe. Yeah, take that, Miss Banks you, you...rotten haircutter, you!

It's all anticlimax, really, the book just goes downhill from here. Karen dreds going to school the next day because she just KNOWS all her classmates are going to make fun of her horrible haircut. Well, guess what, Karen? That's exactly what they do. Kids can be so mean.

Can't say I blame them, the pictures in the book of Karen sporting her new look are so bad I'm glad I don't have access to that scanner because, seriously, Karen looks like an extra in a lesbian porn movie. Not that I've ever seen one, I'm just saying...

As foreshadowed, Hannie informs Karen that only the MOST PERFECT people are allowed to be in her wedding. She takes one look at Karen and stammers "I-you-I-Karen, I don't know how to tell you this..." Yeah, Karen's out. Banned from the wedding. Demoted from bridesmaid to untouchable. Like, right now. Photographer? No way you're even showing your ugly face at MY wedding, girlfriend! Hannie, you now rate as the worst bff ever.

That night, Karen takes drastic measures to prove to Hannie that she CAN be glamorous and beautiful and Karen-charm her way back into Hannie's graces despite looking like a seven year old David Bowie with glasses (but without the heroin becuase this is a G-rated book). She paints over her Gloriana pink nails with sparkly gold polish, decks herself out with a bunch of cheap plastic jewelry, the kind you get at the dentist's office, changes her name to Tiffanie and picks up the phone. Watch out, Hannie. This new Karen/Tiffanie is HOT STUFF.

"The name's Tiffanie." Karen informs Hannie, "Miss Brewer if you're nasty. It's my new image. I am beautiful AND glamorous (because we're talking on the phone and you can't see me) so...I can be one of your bridesmaids again now, right?"

Hannie's reaction? "No way!" and hangs up. Smart girl.

But Karen's just getting warmed up. She begins a campaign to show everyone if they thought she was ugly BEFORE her trip to Gloriana's, well, this mullet was just the beginning. Karen/Tiffanie, pimps herself out in all kinds of plastic bling, finds her mother's old lipstick and smears it all over her mouth, admires her new sparkly nails and annouces to everyone she meets: "My name is Tiffanie." Kids call her Taffy instead of Tiffanie and it drives Karen mad. "It's Tiffanie! I'm Tiffanie, dammit, call me Tiffanie!!! I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and gosh-darn it, people like me!"

Nancy is invited to the wedding in Karen's place. At home her family forgets and keeps calling her Karen and I can't blame anyone for not taking her seriously. Karen goes through several name changes over the next two weeks. Now it's Krystal. That's Krystal with a K, mind you, not Crystal with a C becuase Karen starts with a K. Her friends and family should be able to remember THAT (um, lest anyone get confused and call her Caren?) Nancy goofs it up anyway and calls her Kristy. Hee. If I were Karen I'm not sure how I'd react to that. Flattered or offended? Guess it's better than Mallory.

Of course no one remembers Krystal any more than they could remember Tiffanie. A week later she's Gazelle. The kids call her Godzilla. Hee. It's quickly changed to Desiree and by Friday it's Chantel. Does this woner child have ADD? She's changing her name every five seconds, wears 5 bracelets, 8 rings, 5 necklaces and 6 hair ribbons (to cover the mullet?) raids Lisa's cosmetics for blusher and lipstick totally overcompensating to make everyone forget about her bad haircut. Since Karen's got us all so totally confused with all this, KarenTiffanieKrystalGazelleDesiree shall hereby be referred to as The Artist Formally Known as Karen.

Hannie's the only one with enough guts to tell it like it is. As The Artist Formally Known as Karen prances by Hannie shouts, "You still can't be in my wedding...KAREN!" Acting their age for once, they stick their tongues out at each other and the fight continues. You'd think Hannie wouldn't have a problem with a lot of ugly bridesmaids making her look better as the beautiful, blushing bride. Let the poor girl be in your stupid wedding already, Hannie! Selfish bitch.

It's Saturday again and Karen is dumped at the Big House for the weekend. I can just picture Lisa phoning Watson, threatening him with all kinds of what for if he doesn't agree to take freakish daughter off her hands for..oops, she probably does that EVERY Friday.

Karen is outside the Big House, playing with Andrew, while Hannie attempts to ride her bike, ignoring them. Suddenly Karen sees Hannie takes a nasty spill and rushes over to help. Hannie has knocked out her two front teeth! They were baby teeth and getting loose anyway. Hannie is mortified. She covers her face and wails, "I'm uglieeeee. Scott will never marry me now!" runs inside and hides in her room.

After giving this some thought, Karen decides to bury the hatchet and visit Hannie to show how good a friend she is. Andrew must've spread the word fast because Scott Hsu (the groom) is also there to visit Hannie and RSVP for their big day. But Hannie has locked herself in her room and cries behind the closed door to her visitors, "Go away, I'm uglieeeee!"

Seven-year old Scott turns all adult all of a sudden and tells Hannie, "I'm not marrying your face, (you moron) I'm marrying you. See you tomorrow at our wedding." Scott's a thirty year old man stuck in a seven year old's body. Creepy.

Scott leaves and a now reformed Hannie lets Karen into her room and the two have a good heart to heart, BSC-style. Hannie admits she was wrong to bump Karen out of the wedding and invites her back in while Karen, in the space of just a few minutes, discovers her hair and teeth have grown almost back to normal. Karen realizes maybe she didn't need all the extra bling to impress everyone. Maybe she just needed to *gasp* BE HERSELF especially now that she's gained Hannie's acceptance and has been promoted back to bridesmaid status again.

They have the wedding. It's not nearly as cute as the one in Kristy's Big Day. Pretty flat by comparision actually. David Michael's the minister. Hannie walks down the isle to the tune of "Take me Out to the Ballgame" (not kidding!) All the boys complain about having to wear suits, except Scott who's grinning! (anticipating that wedding night already? Whoo) David Michael makes the ceremony short and sweet. "Do you?" yes. "Do you?" yes. "Ok, you may kiss." the bride and groom look at each other and shriek "No kissing!'" and run away to the clicking of Mrs. P's camera. Scott, you dissapoint me.

Thus ends Hannie's wedding. Karen gets a marriage proposal of her own from "Yicky Ricky" now if I'd been Karen I would've told him to drop dead cause Ricky Torres called her names and threw spitballs at her throughout the whole book. But Karen is all blushing and flattered, guess there's something to be said for a boy who managed to remember all of Karen's glamorous names and tells Ricky that maybe someday, yes, they can also get married like Hannie and Scott just did.

Ricky grins happily, "Thanks, Chantel."

No, no, it's Karen now, Ricky. Just Karen. They grin awkwardly at each other as a technicolor sun sets in the background and cue the end credits.

That was the end of the story. If you would like to hear it again. Turn the tape over. : >)

My library may have weeded out all the old school Sweet Valley but there's still SVK books in circulation! It's been awhile since I've posted anything so I thought I'd try my hand at recapping one. 

Thank you, thank you, just let your appluase die away, quite naturally, as if you really mean it!



This scene never happend! *spoiler alert* A ghost DOES appear at the party but the kids don't run away from the Wakefield house screaming in terror while the twins pat themselves on the back for a job well done-"Wow, cutting holes in that bedsheet really fooled them!"

Ballerina Ellen wins the prize for Most Freaked Out Expression. Princess Lila is runner up and I have no idea who the indian is. Kisho? Great idea, artist, let's dress the Japanese boy up as an American Indian to further encourage humiliating sterotyping, just like in that Adams Family sequel... 

Ch.1 We're Having a Party!

That's right, everyone in Sweet Valley has gone mental and are celebrating Halloween for the FOURTH TIME this year! Maybe the Wakefield's didn't get a chance to host their Halloween party yet so its a do-over.

This entire book is told from Jessica's POV and, yes, it gets downright irritating with Jessica reminding us how wonderful her seven year-old-egotistical-self is on EVERY FREAKIN' PAGE!

She informs us she's seven and in 2nd grade in Mrs. Otis's class. She describes her general outward appearance but, guess what? There's another seven year-old in her class with straight blonde hair, bangs, blue-green eyes, AND she has dimple in her left cheeck too, just like Jessica. Could it be magic? An imposter? No, it's just Margo Elizabeth, her twin sister! (But wouldn't it be awesome to have Margo in Sweet Valley for Halloween?)

The twins are having a party, as if you haven't already guessed. As they pass out invitations, Jessica assures her classmates that their party will be the spookiest of spooky Halloween parties EVER. They plan to serve great food, set up a spooky haunted dungeon in their basement and play spooky games. (due to a limited 2nd grade vocabulary, Jesica just can't get enough of saying the word, "spooky" ) They've invited everyone in their 2nd grade class, even bullies like Charlie Cashman get to come. They tried to invite their brother Steven but he wouldn't  be caught dead at what he calls a "lame little kids' party". He's going to another Halloween party across town with his friends.
Wow! Two Halloween parties on the same night in Sweet Valley. This town ain't big enough for the two of 'em, you know so this means WAR! But, sadly, that's not what happens.

Ch. 2 Winston's Scary Story

Winston initiates the idea of telling scary stories during lunch recess to help everyone get in the proper mood for Halloween. He leads it off by jumping onto a bench, the perfect stage to tell this whopper of a tale. He claims this is a true story. It REALLY happened to him!

Once he and his family were vacationing in a cabin up in Piney Woods, California, supposedly a state park not far away. Outside the wind was howling, leaves were blowing around, everything was all creepy-like, THEN he hears a strange yodeling/moaning sound! Like this, he demonstates, "OOOOOOHHHEEEEEOOOOHHH" His audience shivers and gasps "That's so scary, Winston!" in genuine awe (They're very dramatic for second graders). Then Winston's dad reminds him he needs to go outside. Yes, OUT THERE! Into that big, black, creepy night, all by himself, to the top of yonder creepy hill where Winston stupidly left his new birthday bike just lying there, out in the open where the rain and wind could damage it.

So, Winston's all alone on top of the hill. He comes to his bike when suddenly he hears the moaning sound again. He turns around and there's a man there! He's coming right at Winston! The man throws back his head and moans again. Then, right before Winston's eyes, he drops onto all fours and sprouts hair, turning into...a warewolf! 

His impressed audience gasps, "Oh, my gosh, what did you do?"

Without even blinking an eye, Winston replies, "I grabbed my handlebars and pushed my bike and ran as hard as I could all the way back to the cabin." 

*snort* I don't get it! Can Winston not ride his bike without training wheels? The creature-warewolf-thing is about to get you, Winston, why didn't you just jump on your bike and ride like the wind to get away? Don't you know "You got to ride, ride like the wind. To be free again!"
I'd also be demanding Winston show me his shin marks from tripping over the pedals while he ran. 

So, anyway, the other kids breathe sighs of relief that Winston, thanks to some pretty impresive olympic bike-sprinting, managed to escape the clutches of the warewolf.

"Wow," Lila's eyes are huge, "you saw an actual warewolf!" (and lived to tell about it). They totally believe him and award his story "the scariest one told at recess today" Really? Compared to who else's? I'll admit Todd snuck one in before Winston's where the stranger he thought he heard tapping on his bedroom window outside turned out to be scratching tree branches and that's just lame, not even worth my time to recap. (Which I just did!)

All this time Jessica's been sitting here, listening to Winston's dumb story, fuming, because nobody's talking about her fabulous party anymore. Even her best friend is ignoring her. How DARE they even forget, for one second, about HER PARTY? 
 An outraged Jessica jumps to her feet and confronts Winston,
"That's nothing!" she shouts, "I know a much scarier story and it's a million times scarier than yours!"

Ch. 3 Jessica's Scary Story or "Jessica one-ups Winston"

The kids scoff that Jessica even KNOWS any scary ghost stories. Jessica is so outraged smoke is practically pouring out of her ears. They don't believe her? Well, she'll show em'!

So, Jessica launches into her tale about their Wakefield ghost. He comes and haunts their house every Halloween. 
"Oh, really," the others snark, "then, what's his name? Where did your ghost come from?"

"It's the ghost of..uh..." Jessica pulls up the first name she can think of, "Jeremiah Wakefield!"
Yeah, you know the one I'm talking about, the famous gold miner in the Wakefield family. 

Who? Exactly. I've read both Wakefield family saga books and don't seem to recall anyone named Jeremiah but I did have a good friend once named Jeremiah, had some mighty fine wine. He was a bullfrog.

Anyway, Prospector Jeremiah was spirited off a cliff after being seperated from his camp and his donkey. What happened was this: he'd come into town for suppiles, was warned by the townsfolk, 'there's evil spirits in them thar hills' but when Jeremiah returned to his camp by the stream, his donkey got spooked and ran away and Jeremiah got lost looking for him. The spirits surrounded him and hustled him right off that cliff!

Jessica is such a talented story-teller, some of the more gullible kids believe her.
"Did he...was he?" some tertiary character named Sandy can't even bring herself to ask it.
"Boom! Flat as a pancake, all the way to the bottom!" Queen of Drama Jessica answers.
They found Jeremiah the next morning where he managed to tell his story about the spirits who fooled him into running off the edge of the cliff. The spirits had made him think his camp and his donkey were right there in front of him, (becasue everyone knows spirits can drive you crazy with their mind altering images!) Then he DIED and no one ever found his camp, his gold and his donkey were never seen again! 
Now he haunts Casa Wakefield every Halloween still looking for his lost camp and his beloved donkey.
Yup, makes perfect sense a ghost would come haunt a house in suburbia which probably has a gold camp hidden in it SOMEWHERE.

The kids just look at each other, not sure what to think of this tall tale ghost story. Elizabeth looks worried for her twin because she knows it's all cock-a-bull but is too much of a doormat to call her twin out. Winston suddenly shouts he doesn't believe her, he's read that story before. Jessica got it from a book!

Ch. 4 Needed: One Ghost

Confident becasue she got everyone to believe her, Jessica's sure SOMEHOW she can find a way to create a real ghost for the party. She tells them, "You'll see, the ghost of Jeremiah Wakefield will haunt you at our party!" and then recess is over.
Sad huh? Jessica's story has potential yet no one points out the fact that Halloween falls on Sunday this year and the Wakefield party is on SATURDAY so technically...yeah it's a mess.

That evening, Elizabeth kindly points Jessica to their brother's Wild West book. The one Winston was talking about and had obviously read. Jessica sheepishly admits she must have been unconsciously inspired by the story in the book. Liz innocently asks Jessica how she's going to manage to find a ghost to haunt their party? (Oh, so it's YOUR party now too, is it Liz?)

They reject several ideas: Steven can't be their ghost, he's going to another party, Ned can't, he'll be in the basement making scary noises for their haunted dungeon, hire an actor to play the ghost? Too expensive. Too bad, since we all know the twins have every celebrity's number from here to Hollywood on speed dial.

Also, Jessica sneaks a rubber spider from her brother's closet and is mysterious when Liz asks what she's up to, more on that later.

Bedtime for twinsies!
As Alice is tucking them in, Jessica confesses her made up ghost and whines to Mom about the mess she's gotten herself into. Everyone is expecting to see the Wakefield ghost at their party now so Jessica's got a MAJOR problem!

Alice is all nonchalant, "Oh, really? Well, now that IS a problem. Let me think about it."  And basically tells Princess Jessica not to worry about it (now shut up and go to sleep).
Nice brush-off Mom. In one ear and out the other, eh? No punishment, no scolding her child for telling lies and demanding she march right back to her classmates and tell everyone the truth first thing tomorrow. God, I love Sweet Valley partenting. *head desk*

Ch. 5 Gotcha! or "Jessica's practical joke"

At morning recess the next day, Jessica notices Lila seems sad about something but Lila isn't talking.

With Liz's help, Jessica plants the rubber spider in Winston's lunch box and shrieks with laughter when a surprised Winston yelps and his chair tips backward falling onto the floor in the luchroom. Jessica tells the lunch table group that's how scared they'll be at the party. After regaining his dignity and brushing himself off Winston says he STILL doesn't belive her ghost REALLY exists. Jessica says, "You'll see."

Ch. 6 Gotcha Back! or "Winston's practical joke"

The next day is Wednesday, 3 days to go till the party. Jessica is at her cubby, hanging up her coat. She's about to question Lila, why is she so sad again this morning? When she hears scratching noises coming from a nearby broom closet. She goes to the broom closet door, opens it, and jumps back screaming as Winston in a Frankenstien mask scares seven years off Jessica's life. He laughs, "Gotcha back!" 
An infuriated Jessica makes a mental note to get revenge on party night.
I say, you started this Jessica, serves you right!

During dinner the next night, Jessica thinks Alice should just serve Steven his meal on the floor out of a dog bowl, (I chuckle at the picture) he can't even use his knife and fork to cut his chicken properly!
I told you boys are yucky, Jessica tells the reader.
Suddenly Steven screams and throws his fork onto the floor because a large hairy spider is now dangling from it.
I dunno HOW Jessica pulled this off at the dinner table in front of her entire family but she cheerfully admits she had to test her joke out on a boy so she can try it on Winston tomorrow. She doesn't complain when Alice makes her get a towel to clean up the mess as punishment. She'll get Winston good tomorrow! Guess she had a memory lapse about the party revenge plan.

Ch. 7 Ghostcapades

It's still Thursday evening and Jessica is lying on her sister's bed still gloating over her joke on Steven. Elizabeth, seated at her desk, is busy whisking off some multiplication problems (in second grade?). Liz reminds her twin again about their promised party ghost, they can never show their faces again in Sweet Valley if they don't have one. Jessica gets an idea. All they need is a plain white bedsheet, Ned's biggest flashlight and a balloon.
Elizabeth is excited about Jessica's idea.
But first, Jessica needs some adult help (yeah, better to get permision first before slashing holes in all of Alice's best bedsheets) so she shares her idea with the parents. And does Jessica get grounded for fabricating stories about the Wakefield family tree? No! Ned and Alice's resonse to Jessica's idea is, "Hey, that sounds like fun, let us help you."
I'M SERIOUS!! and Ned offers to help rig the whole thing up for them!!!! There must be some foreshadowing going on here, the parents obviously know something but the twins don't suspect a thing.

The girls spend the rest of the evening happily making party plans until bedtime.

Ch.8 Going too Far

It's Friday. Jessica, who's wisely been buying her lunch all week, carefully checks her cubby for any tricks from Winston. Finding none she goes to her desk and there's a fake bloody finger inside it. She tosses it at Winston and is properly pissed off.

At recess Lila finally admits to Jessica the reason she's looked so depressed. She has no costume yet for Halloween! Her mom can't/won't take her (to the most expensive costume-rental place in town if I remember the other books correctly) out to get one and Lila doesn't give us any reasons. Jessica generously invites Lila home with her that day where Alice will "fix everything".
Lila looks hopeful and agrees to come.
Wow, this is a first. Lila isn't even offended by Jessica's noblesse oblige. 
Not to mention Jessica's confidence in her mom's ability to find instant Halloween costumes on demand. 

Now it's lunch recess. Jessica, Lila and Ellen are playing when Winston, minus the Frankenstien mask, jumps out and startles Jessica so badly that she's REALLY mad now (for being so jumpy?) but not to worry, she has her revenge plan ready!

She waits until Winston and Tom not-yet-gay McKay are having a contest to see who can hang upside down longest on the jungle gym. She climbs up to drop the rubber spider, the same one she scared Steven with dangling on a string, down into Winston's face below. Winston yells, looses his leg grip and falls to the ground scraping his knee. Winston is mad. Jessica is sorry. "I'm going to get you for this!" he threatens her before limping off to the school nurse. The thought occurs to Jessica that maybe, just MAYBE she's gone too far.

I think this book should've been nambed "The Practical Joke War" instead of "The Halloween War". 

Ch. 9 Petrifying Party Props

It's Friday afternoon and Ned is painting corny lines on fake tombstones "Here lies Lester Moore. No les, No More." *snort* The twins are also helping with the painting. Lila is inside the house with Alice who is indeed "fixing everything" as promised by Jessica. She's making Lila a Halloween costume. They come outside where a happy Lila, now clutching a brown paper bag, will be driven home by Alice. 

Much to my chagrin, Alice hands the twins a can of spray-on cobwebs before driving off with Lila. Liz and Jess promptly go to town on the front yard and the interior of the house including the stairs. Passing the family room they see Steven asleep on the couch in front of the T.V. With an impish "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"  they finish off the spray-on cobweb can on their brother and go to dinner, innocent as angels. 
That must've been a pretty big can to go so far!

Upon waking to find himself covered in sticky cobwebs, Steven yells and starts knocking over all the lamps in confusion while the twins stay in their seats giggling. Steven shouts that he's going to get them! Alice scolds and makes the twins promise, no more jokes. Jessica and Elizabeth promise, but Liz sneaks a wink at her twin behind Mom's back!
Shut up Liz, you may have helped with this one but you've done nothing but be a nerd this whole book. Jessica's the QUEEN of practical jokes today.

Alice tucks the girls in later that night and Jessica thanks her for helping Lila find a costume. Alice tells them Lila's parents are having some problems (foreshadowing!) so they should be nice to Lila, and that parents and grown-ups fight sometimes.

They fall asleep with Jessica reasurring a worried Liz that she'll keep her promise to her Mom about no more jokes (on Winston) and that her Wakefield ghost isn't going to hurt anyone at their party tomorrow night.

Ch. 10 Party Time

The twins dress as identical skeletons which Alice made for them by painting bones on their black turtlenecks and black leggings. With their hair pulled back into identical ponytails they now have identical spooky, scary, skeleton Halloween costumes.
Which reminds me of this ( cute song )about spooky scary skeletons, take a moment to enjoy!

Steven staggers into the room to show off his mummy costume to the twins (which Alice, who obviously has LOTS of unlimited free time on her hands, also made) before he leaves for his party.
Downstairs, the party food is all set out, a cassette is playing scary Hallowen sounds, the basement dungeon is decorated and ready (where Ned will supposedly hide and make scary noises), the Wakefield ghost is all rigged up and waiting. The doorbell rings announcing the first party guest !

Ch. 11 The Haunted Wakefield House

Witch cookies are enjoyed by all at the party as more people arrive. Winston is Frankenstien, Charlie Cashman is a football player. Ricky Capaldo is a cowboy.

Then Lila shows up wearing a fancy princess dress with seaquins and shiny beads all over it. Alice even made a pointy hat with a scarf for her princess hat.
And to think she put it all together in just a few hours! Who knew Alice was actually a closet seamstress while that aspiring interior decorator student was just a front?

Elizabeth announes it's time to enter the haunted dungeon! Elizabeth and Jessica lead the way down to the basement. Her sister's white smile is so bright Jessica can see it in the dim light...and it just makes her want to todd punch all those perfectly white teeth out ONE BY ONE!
Kidding, there's no punching in this book, Todd or otherwise, its G-rated, you know.

So, the twins lead the way down the basement stairs and all the guests follow. Jessica anticipates how spooked everyone's about to be by their haunted dungeon! The twins glance at each other, surprised, as creepy organ music starts to play. That wasn't in the plan! Jessica's foot brushes a string and she gasps when a paper cutout of a monser falls from the ceiling. "Don't act so surprised, Jessica," says Ken Matthews, "we know you helped set all this up."
"I didn't help set up that monster," she answers.

The twins hold hands in fright as they approach a large black curtain with a hole and a sign that reads, "Put your hand in here." the twins are nervous, this wasn't planned either!
(Yeah, Dad was just supposed to hide down here and make scary noises!)
So, who wants to put their hand in? Ricky Capaldo is the only volunteer shallow enough to do it. He's completely grossed out by the squiggly stuff in a large glass jar labeled "Rejected brain sample".
"We didn't do it!" the twins swear.
Lila suggests this might be a good time to get out of here and everyone agrees.

Going back upstairs a dozen bats suddenly drop down around their heads. Jessica screams and swats at them and everyone runs the rest of the way out. Elizabeth says she's completely weirded-out here and Jessica says maybe it's because its Halloween (or did Todd try to put his hands on Liz down in the haunted basement?)

Jessica ushers everyone into the foyer at the bottom of the stairs and announces it's time to meet Jeremiah Wakefield! Elizabeth gets the lights and Jessica plays the cassette tape of scary sounds again. Caroline squeals as a glowing ghost appears to float down the stairs, moaning. Winston, to Jessica's glee, looks VERY scared. Kisho is practically clawing the front door trying to escape. The lights come back on and the twins laugh, "Fooled you," then Jessica shows them the secret of her helium balloon, flashlight and bedsheet trick . 

While the other guests complement Jessica on her genius, Winston, looking totally scared with big eyes and open mouth suddenly interrupts with, "Uh, Jessica, if that's just a joke, then what's THAT?" and with perfect Abbott and Costello-farce he points, everyone turns around to look, and Jessica and Elizabeth grab each other. Oh my gosh, it a real ghost! And it's headed their way!

Ch. 12 The Uninvited Ghost

ALL the lights go out! The ghost-like figure is dressed in flowing robes, it glows green and white, it looks taller than Ned as it lurches through the living room toward the guests huddled in the foyer. It's holding out its arms and moaning,

"I am Jeremiah Wakefield."

It can't be Steven, Jessica and Liz squeak in small voices, he's at a party.

"Why have you disturbed my rest?" the ghost moans, "I was asleep until you called me here ,Ooooooh!"

"Wh-Who is that?" a scared voice questions,

"I'm soooo lonely! I need a ghostly friend!" wails the ghost.
I'm cracking up over this part in the book because I haven't seen Ned yet and I'm sure it's him under that sheet acting like a total pervert!

"I need a friend and I choooose...Jessica!"

The ghost comes right for her and Jessica runs shrieking, "Daddy, Daddy, save me!" into the dining room to grab her father around the waist and bury her face in his shirt. Ah, bummer, Ned's been over there this whole time! So who's the ghost? It's Steven of course!
Steven, who'd been sitting on his friend Bob's shoulders joined forces with Winston to get back at Jessica for her jokes. Jessica declares defeat by calling for a truce and everyone is friends again.

The next day is Sunday and the twins get a FIFTH Halloween! Boy, if I were a teacher I'd be all for cancelling school Monday to let the kids get over their weekend sugar rush.

While out trick-or-treating Jess and Liz come to the Fowler mansion. The housekeeper, Mrs. Purvis answers the door and gives them their treats. As they turn to leave, Jessica can hear loud yelling coming from inside. The twins hope everything is OK with Lila and her parents.

That's right, let's skip Thanksgiving in Sweet Valley this year. Now hurry and go read the recap of Lila's Christmas Angel before Sweet Valley celebrates Christmas AGAIN!
Joy to the world, all the boys and girls, Joy to the fishes...







    

Here's one made of win snark on Loving the 1st book in the Loving trilogy
http://whitebrookfarm.blogspot.com/2008/05/caitlin-manipulating-everyone-for-her.html
Here's another
four snarks: two from the promise trilogy and two from Loving trilogy all four are hilarious!
check em out
http://thedairiburger.wordpress.com/category/caitlin/

Guess I'll have to quicksnark True Love                                                     A New Promise
                                                     Dreams of Forever
and when/after I buy it Together Forever

I love to mope about this. I indulge in self-pity on this subject. I also know wayyy to many women my age who are also unmarried. It's soooo depressing! My hero, Bono of U2, loves to rant and rave about the "emergency" (the AIDS epidemic in Africa) but I love to do my own ranting and raving about the bigger issue, the fact that there wouldn't BE a problem in Africa (or in the rest of the goddamn world) if today's men would just stand up and BE MEN and take back their god given responsibility which is to be husbands, fathers and providers of the traditional family. That's the true epidemic here, people! That's the emergency!
Ok, so I just read this story on Yahoo News  
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080611/ap_on_re_la_am_ca/mexico_half_ton_man
Bad enough the man is 43 and never married but that he managed to find a woman to actually say "I do"! She's that desperate. What I want to know is: Where's all the feminist outrage? I say: "Girlfren' you can TOTALLY do better for yerself!" Suddenly my single, never married/never been asked, lot in life doesn't seem so bad.
When fretted by this single life which seems to be my lot
I think of all the many men whose wife I'm glad I'm not!
quite appropriate, eh? I can't take credit for that little rhyme though. I read it somewhere and always loved it. 
But, to end on a positive note, I did witness something today that proves that there is hope for this sick, crazy world in which we live.
I was in the kitchen, preparing my usual "dinner for one" this evening when I heard outside my kitchen window the shouting and laughing of young children, two backyards over as well as an older deeper voice. I peeked out and saw a grown man running and chasing the squealing kids all around his backyard in play. This warmed my heart. "Imagine that," I thought to myself, "there are still dads in this world who play with their kids!" With Father's Day approaching, this seemed quite appropriate.

 

 

   

Cover: Jessica’s hair is fun to snark at here. It gives the reader the impression that it’s a really windy day outside. Anyway, it looks like she used too much conditioner on it or something. Where’re those famous “natural waves”? She has a crutch under one shoulder due to a sprained ankle. The other girl is Pamela Jacobson. Extra points to the artist for making Pamela look ‘special’.

 

The book opens at the Wakefield residence. Jessica is doing her homework at the kitchen table with older brother Steven. Elizabeth is baking cookies but before she can come over to help Jessica, who is struggling with her math problem, she must clean up her cookie mess first. That’s our mature, responsible Liz! Jessica’s blue-green eyes flash with impatience because she NEVER cleans up after herself; that’s what an identical twin is for!

 

There’s a nice long paragraph about how the identical twins “…weren’t one bit identical when it came to personalities.” Elizabeth likes to work hard at school namely on the Sixers newspaper (and that’s considered schoolwork?) while Jessica’s entire world revolves around the Unicorn club and other non-school related activities. Right now Jessica’s especially concerned with impressing the 8^th grade Unicorn president, Janet Howell, as much as she can.

 

Steven annoys the twins by proclaiming he has ESP-extrasensory perception-(Wow, ghostwriter! I’m impressed you knew that!) and has already “foreseen” everything the twins will do and say today. (Cool! Steven’s actually snarking along with me!) For example, he already “knew” Jess would ask for Liz’s help with her homework and he also happened to have “predicted” that Jessica would be appointed sixth grade chairman on the committee for the upcoming Mini Olympics. (Wow! What're the odds?)

 

The Mini Olympics are a traditional event in Sweet Valley (which wouldn’t be traditional unless it involved the SIXTH grade class) in which the sixth graders are in charge of organizing the day long festival for the younger grades. The fifth graders also get to help plan and organize and both grades get to participate in the activities and athletic events.

 

Always modest Jessica just tosses her hair and declares since she’s perfect for the job, it's only natural the teachers chose HER to help organize and lead this event.

 

Steven has to get to basketball practice. Before he leaves he teases Jess that his ESP is tingling again and she may want to consider staying in this evening, otherwise…and both girls groan. Their mother, Alice, who is really just “a grown-up version of the twins” enters with groceries.

 

Jess and Liz both whine to their mother about their annoying older brother and his equally annoying ESP. “Can’t you tell him to stop?” but Alice just smiles and suggests maybe the twins should find a way themselves. Jessica’s eyes shine with inspiration. She’s got an idea! Liz can tell. Gee, she must have ESP too! Oh wait, that’s in another book.

 

With a couple hours to kill before Mom needs St. Elizabeth’s help with dinner, she mounts her bike and rides off to the public library for (what else?) the latest Amanda Howard mystery. There Liz meets the “new” girl who just transferred to SVMS, Pamela Jacobson. She’s described as “a small, pretty girl with soft brown wavy hair which came down to her shoulders. She had a slightly pale complexion and blue-gray eyes.”

As anyone can see from this description, Pamela is *speaks in whisper* handicapped!!!

 

But at least she knows how to read. Turns out Pamela loves Amanda Howard as much as Liz, and she expresses interest in writing for the Sixers. Liz excitedly tells Pamela all about the upcoming special edition the Sixers will be doing to cover the Mini Olympics.

 

This subject makes Pamela sad, as she explains to Liz, she has a heart condition, and can’t exert herself with a lot of physical activity. She just transferred from a “special kids” school called Ridgedale, twenty miles away from Sweet Valley. Because everyone there is ‘special’ Pamela was beginning to feel like she was ‘special’ too (this is BAD?) and despite her parents and teachers concerns that she wouldn’t be able to keep up and would feel left out, she wanted break free anyway and try a "regular school" (SVMS is a "REGULAR SCHOOL"?) Her eyes shine with pride as she declares she doesn’t want any special treatment, she’s just a “normal girl” and LIKES it when people forget she’s “different”. Elizabeth is quite distraught to learn there’s a girl her age with a DISABILITY actually residing in Sweet Valley who can’t participate in the upcoming athletic activity!

Saint Elizabeth feels like the world’s biggest heel for even bringing up the subject.

 

The next day at school, Jessica is in the girl’s locker room surrounded by Unicorns including BF (frenemy in this book) Lila Fowler. President Janet is also there along with three 7^th grade unicorn members (so why are they joining a SIXTH grade gym class volleyball game? Why do I even ask?)

 

We are told the Mini Olympics consists of all the students being divided up into four teams to compete: Blue, Red, White, and Black. Janet suggests to Jessica they should consider a PURPLE team this year and everyone laughs.

 

Jessica is full of plans and new ideas for this year’s Mini Olympics: there should be individual trophies this year, more physical activities involving lots of running and jumping. She even suggests a triathlon (Wait a minute, that’s a long distance swimming, bicycling and running event! For kids who are only 10-12 years old? That’s a bit extreme, Jessica.)

 

Lila groans that Jessica is just rigging the activities (she’s just named all the physical things she’s especially good at) to her own advantage. Lila “a tall, slender girl with auburn hair and a pretty face” (and don’t forget STINKING RICH!) is already a little pissed off because Jessica has been appointed head chairman of the committee and Lila is the less-than-glamorous “assistant chairman” Yes, she’s jealous as hell.

 

 “You know I have some really good ideas...” Lila is about to say when Ellen Riteman, who will always and forever be “just another Unicorn” strolls up to remind the girls there’s a gym class they need to get to but no one seems to notice her (HA!) everyone is still locked in on Jessica and Lila’s battle of wills. Lila criticized Jessica’s ideas in front of her friends , how DARE she! Jessica thinks Lila is acting like a spoiled, rich snob who always wants everything focused on her (well DUH) while Lila thinks Jessica is being unfair to everyone who doesn’t happen to be as good at jumping and running as she is. Tamera Chase, a 7^th grade Unicorn and Janet end it by saying it’s more important to focus on the fact that there are TWO Unicorns on the committee and that no matter what happens during the Mini Olympics the Unicorns get all the glory!

 

Next comes two pages of exposition from Pamela’s point of view, her “sob story” if you will. Here’s what you should know about her:

She was born with this rare heart condition which required two life saving surgeries when she was a baby but they didn’t cure her. She should live a full, long life the doctors say, but she’ll always have a weak heart. The only handicap I can see is that she tires easily and has to take all physical activities SLOW-LY. Her new teachers are aware of this and excuse her tardiness to class because she can’t speed walk and if she tries to run she will overexert herself and DIE! She has to take medication, and worst of all she has “helicopter parents”.

 

Pamela’s father, Dr. Jacobson, is the worst of the two. He’s threatened that if Pamela shows any sign of being tired or depressed at SVMS, she’ll be shipped back to Ridgedale, pronto, “where everyone has a some sort of handicap” Heck, that’s where Sweet Valley sends anyone in a wheelchair! Later these kids go on to Parker Academy, the high school for disabled students. Gee, can anyone say segregated?

 

Now Pamela is in the class she dreads most, gym. She COULD go attend a study hall, she doesn’t HAVE to sit here on the sidelines feeling sorry for herself and watching the Unicorns (who have all managed to get on the same team) playing volleyball and having fun. (Oh, yeah, I SO remember how hot and sweaty and physically exhausted I'd get playing volleyball in gym class! I wish I'd had a 'heart condition' like Pamela's!)

 Pamela really admires the Unicorns as she’d recently overheard Janet oh-so-modestly explaining to some random person: “We’re called Unicorns because Unicorns are special and so are we.” But Pamela’s kind of ‘special’ is not the kind Janet was talking about. Pamela is painfully aware of this. Poor Pamela, she should’ve been put down at birth.

 

It’s lunchtime. Saint Liz and Amy notice Pamela is sitting all by herself and decide to be Good Samaritans and go talk to her. Pamela has been crying (poor dear) she hates “not being able to do what everyone else does” at this new school but actually the one wish Pamela REALLY has and REALLY wants is to convince her father that she can make it here at SVMS and doesn’t need to go back to the “special school”.

Elizabeth and Amy, apparently now members of the “Make a Wish Foundation,” vow to make Pamela’s wish come true.

 

After school that day the twins begin their ESP revenge scheme to get back at their brother. First, they ask Steven about any ESP “hunches” he may have had today about them and Liz and Jess totally pretend that today's “hunches” actually happened! Steven, who is, (what’s the correct term?) “denser than a doorknob” doesn’t even ask Liz to produce the money he saw her “find” or make Jessica produce a witness that she really did have a "brush with death" during gym class. The twins grin at each other as a slightly pale Steven staggers off believing his ESP may be REAL after all!

 

Now that she and Jess are alone, Elizabeth quickly takes this opportunity to try and persuade Jessica to make some changes to the Mini Olympics so that EVERYONE can be included. People like Pamela, for example.

 

What ABOUT Pamela? Jessica asks, “If she’s sick, I assumed she wouldn’t even bother showing up for the Mini Olympics, but if you really want to include her we could let her type up flyers or something, anyway, your point is…?”

 

Horrified Liz exclaims, “The point is (you halfwit!) she’s not sick, she can't even COMPETE in the Olympics, she might hurt herself. She has a HEART CONDITION!”

 

“Well, she’s going to have to get into much better shape if she wants to win anything.” 
Liz bangs forehead on the table in frustration (kidding). Instead she replies,

“Jessica! Think for a minute what it would be like for YOU if you suddenly lost the ability to do normal, everyday, physical activities…”

 

Jessica is all, Look I can only feel sorry for these kind of people once a year on Handicapped Awareness Day, I’m REALLY sorry, but it’s too late to change anything and I like the events the way I planned ‘em.

Dun Dun DUUUUUN!

 

During dinner that night the twins put the scare into Steven, They recently read people with ESP have night visions and even see spirits, Steven believes this because he’s just a stupid high school freshman who doesn’t read. It’s a perfect setup for when Liz and Jess sneak outside that night, while everyone is asleep, with a ladder to climb up to Steve’s bedroom window and totally psyche him out. Jessica puts on a white sheet with holes cut for her eyes and is scratching and pressing her face against the window. Steven wakes and seeing something outside his bedroom window, nearly wets himself! He’s about to freak out completely when…Jessica loses her footing on the ladder and with a bloodcurdling scream has a spectacular crash and ends up spraining her ankle!

 

The parents come running. Mr. Wakefield is all concerned and picks up his daughter in his arms and takes her to the ER. He figures this injury and Jessica having to miss out on such physical activities as cheering with the Boosters at the next game and hobbling around on crutches for the next few weeks will be punishment enough for her. 
Not bad parenting, Mr. Wakefield, I actually agree with your methods here.

 

Jessica does indeed learn her lesson the next day. Her ankle, wrapped in an ACE bandage, throbs. Everything takes twice as long now like: getting ready for school, maneuvering downstairs with her crutches, and just making it to school while using crutches and trying to carry her books at the same time. How DO those handicapped people manage it?

 

To make matters worse for Jessica, Steven has decided the embarrassing prank the twins pulled was all Jessica’s fault, therefore he’s not speaking to her anymore. When Lila discovers Jessica is injured "suggests" she's obviously not capable of leading the Mini Olympics committee anymore. Jessica's all: "HUH?"
Thus Lila begins her campaign to “nudge” Jessica out of the spotlight.

 

By the second day Jessica realizes having a sprained ankle today wasn’t nearly as much fun as it was yesterday when all her friends gave her the VIP treatment, all dripping concern and sympathy and Bruce Patman even carried her books for her! But today, as she struggles through the crowded hallway to get to class on time, the novelty has worn off. No one really notices her anymore and Jessica sighs in self pity. Then Jessica sees Pamela…

 

During gym class, Jessica really gets her come-uppance. Just a few days ago that was HER out there happily participating in the volleyball game and scoring points for her team. Today she gets to experience life from the sidelines. Yeah, not much fun being left out, is it Jessica?

 

Pamela joins her, striking up a conversation. And Jessica really LISTENS to what Pamela is saying (this is a first!). She never really considered life from Pamela’s point of view until now. Jessica’s situation, after all, is only temporary while Pamela is stuck on the sidelines for LIFE.

 

Later that day, Jessica attends a Mini Olympics planning meeting with the teachers, Lila, and the fifth graders all organizing the event together. But everyone’s IGNORING her! Lila’s ambition to nudge Jessica out has succeeded. Lila even got “Daddy” to “take out a full page ad in the paper about the Olympics” and she’s gone behind Jessica's back and managed to trump Jessica on all her ideas. The supervising teachers all agree with Lila's new ideas. Jessica should be GRATEFUL to have a friend like Lila who just saved her ass while she was laid up with a hurt ankle.
Lila smirks, Jessica fumes. She’s lost control over the Olympics just because she’s injured!

 

Afterwards, Jessica whines to Liz who reminds Jess that with her sprained ankle she can’t even participate in the events now. She reminds her again of people like Pamela and those who basically suck at sports and suggests (again) she consider thinking about including them and making some changes.

 

Jessica is disgusted, “Are you suggesting we plan the Mini Olympics so that every single weakling has the same chance to win that some big strong athlete has?”

Um, yes, Jessica, that’s exactly what Liz is saying.

 

Only until her sister reminds Jessica that if she took this “idea of change” to the committee that JESSICA would get all the credit and glory making her look like a model citizen (thus making Lila look the fool) does Jessica start to accept this idea. Not to mention if they gave the Olympics a complete overhaul she would actually get to participate and could even help her team win!

Jessica likes this idea of Liz’s very much.

Her work here done, Saint Elizabeth heads off to the public library (yet, again).

 

Having just come off a big row with “helicopter parents” Pamela is in the reading room of the library, crying her eyes out behind a book, when Liz finds her. Pamela's now convinced her Dad is right, she needs “special help” and “special attention” she really is *sob* HANDICAPPED! He's right, she doesn’t belong at Sweet Valley (Handicapped People Needn’t Apply) Middle School. She just can’t seem to fit in here.

Liz explains the way things are run at SVMS. In a nutshell: “Unless you’re really pretty or really good at sports or really smart, no one notices you.” (Way to rub in the salt, Liz!) She tells Pamela about Lois Waller who’s one of those “naturally bad athletes” and Jimmy Underwood, “the smallest boy in their class” (hence the name) both are probably dreading the Mini Olympics just as much as Pamela is.

Pamela says: “It’s one thing to be bad at sports; its another to be HANDICAPPED.”

Only in Sweet Valley, dear.

Back at Casa Wakefield, meddling Liz succeeds in talking Jess into enlisting Pamela's help in changing the format of the Olympics and get her on the planning committee with Jess. Still thinking of how easy it will be to take all the glory for herself, Jessica agrees. St. Liz congratulates herself that by getting Pamela involved she’ll NOW want to stay at SVMS.

 

One week to the Mini Olympics, Jessica hobbles over to the Jacobsons’ house.

"Hey there, cute older brother of Pamela’s!" Jessica, the queen of flirtation, gushes. "Oh, THIS silly ankle? I fell while learning a new Booster’s cheer" (Liar!)

 

Pamela enters and invites Jessica to her room. Convincing Pamela to join the committee is easy as Jessica shifts all the blame on Lila, favoring the athletes was all HER idea, the BITCH! Pamela totally falls for this and eagerly starts teaching Jessica how Ridgedale did their own “Special Olympics” with wheelchair races and events that included more brains than brawn.

 

Jessica is all “Quick, I’ve got to get you to the committee meeting tonight so they can hear all this great stuff and we can convince them to change this prejudiced Mini Olympics into EVERYONE’s Mini Olympics *hem* and make Lila look like a real creep! 

 

It works! With Pamela as Jessica’s “Exhibit A” at the meeting, Jessica does such a great snow job the two teachers supervising the student committee are all reaching for their hankies and ready to nominate Jessica for the PTA Civic Service Award. (Um, Pamela's sitting RIGHT THERE too!)

 “Why didn’t we ever NOTICE those less fortunate people BEFORE? Of course you girls can make the changes you want for the Mini Olympics.”

 Lila’s all “But…but!”

Shut up Lila, can’t you see Jessica is a model citizen?

“Lila pouted, her lower lip sticking out,” (sorry, Lila fans, but I've permently freeze-framed that picture in my mind. HEE!)

Jessica smirks and it’s Lila’s turn to fume.

 

At school, all the students know what happened and think Jessica’s totally awesome in speaking up for change in the Mini Olympics. Jessica's only thinking about getting to see "cute older brother of Pamela's" again next time she goes over to the Jacobson's.

 

Pamela tries to sidle up to Jessica as they work hard one evening together poring over records from past Mini Olympics and getting ideas. She’s all misty eyed as she shyly tells Jessica how great it is that her and her sister have befriended and included her like this.

Jessica’s all: Uh, you and me? FRIENDS? Yikes, next she’ll be asking me to get her into the Unicorns! I don’t think so. Bye now, and say hi to your brother for me.

Jessica takes off as fast as she can. After all the hours she and Pamela have spent working on these new plans, Jessica knows she will be getting all the credit anyway.

 

She goes back to Casa Wakefield to meet Janet, Ellen and...Lila! What are YOU doing here? 
Lila “looked straight out of Seventeen magazine in a suede skirt and boots.” She’s come to see just how much damage Jessica has done overhauling the Mini Olympics.

 

They go up to Jessica’s room where she proudly explains all the new events and changes they’ve made: they will draw numbers for each event so it’s totally fair, there will be an hour of Brainpower with games, puzzles, a spelling bee, Password competition (whoa, anyone remember THAT old TV game show?) and a Junior Wheel of Fortune (COOL!). There will be a Houdini event called “Untie Yourself” where two teammates will be tied together and whichever team can untie themselves the fastest wins, a three legged race, egg races, water races in the pool, which involve balancing a bowl of water on a kickboard and whoever knocks the least out wins, and (I totally LOVE this one) a bed making contest! With hospital corners! (but seriously some of these event sound more appropriate for an American 4^th of July event than an elementary school track and field day!)

 

Lila thinks everything Jessica has just said, SUCKS! Jessica is about to snap back when she sees Janet’s facial expression and decides she “didn’t want to hurt her position with the Unicorns” (she must be sitting on their horn). So she keeps quiet and lets eveyone congradulate her on being a "model citizen"

 

Finally, it is Friday, the day of the Mini Olympics. Tying a purple ribbon around her ponytail in honor of her Unicorn status, Jessica takes up her crutches and heads off to the elementary school where parents, teachers and all the students from both schools have gathered for the big day.

 

Dividing everyone into the four color teams is apparently the only procedure that survived all the cuts they made to the Mini Olympics. Jessica and Pamela are both on the Blue team, Elizabeth and Amy (who shrieks with joy) are on the Black team, Lila and Janet are on the Red team (apparently Janet is the only 8^th grader participating today, what a geek!) and Ellen makes the White team (as if we care).

Let the first event of the Mini Olympics begin!

 

The Talent Block is first on the day’s schedule of events in which the four teams must make up a short skit and compose a song with points awarded for creativity.

 

For their skit, the Blue team makes up a real winner called “The Butler Did It” poking fun at the lower school’s gym teacher, Mr. Butler. Their song is called “The Blue Team Blues” written by Pamela, which is not only a catchy title but every time I read this I can hear an equally catchy blues tune in my head:

 

Haven’t you heard the news?

We’ve got the Blue Team Blues.

You wake up in the morning and you’re

 feeling out of sorts; you don’t like

 dancing and you’re tired of sports…

What are you going to do?

What are you going to choose?

You know what you’ve got,

You’ve got the Blue Team Blues.

 

Seriously, it’s brilliant, how could the other teams even COMPETE with that?

Naturally, the Blue team wins first place in the talent competition, that’s 100 points for them. Jessica and Pamela are “practically delirious” at the announcement.

 

The Black team, obviously led by Elizabeth, did a skit about news reporters covering the Olympics and a cute song about “Black Magic” (No, they didn’t steal it from ‘Ol Blue Eyes, or Ella Fitzgerald, or anyone else. I Googled to see which artist originally sang That Old Black Magic but so many artists have covered it, I gave up. I have a recap to write, you know!). 
The Black team wins second place, mainly for their cute rhyme on “tragic” and “magic”.

 

Lila’s Red team did a really silly skit that makes fun of a bed making contest and an even sillier song called “Dread the Red” that Jessica thought sounded more like a Boosters cheer. They get stuck with third place.

 

The poor White trash team had a fifth grader do a stand up comic routine (he was dying up there) and their song was really a chant with none of the rhymes in the right places. Really, how hard is it to make up a RHYME?

 

After lunch (this ONE event took ALL MORNING? Well, ok, when you stop to think about it there WERE four individual shows that everyone had to suffer through and then the points to award) things REALLY start to get serious now with the Brainpower events.

 

Jessica is heartbroken when the Red team beats them in Brainpower Events by taking first place and the Blues come in THIRD! Whites manage to pull it together to come in second, and the Black team LOST (Liz the Brianiac’s name must not have been drawn for any of the events). The last set of events are going to prove crucial now!

 

The tension is mounting, everyone is cheering loudly in the bleachers. First event? The bed making contest! To Jessica’s joy, Lila’s name is drawn. Remember, Lila’s never made anything in her life, let alone her BED! She can’t even get past putting the top sheet on and storms angrily off the field having placed DEAD LAST in the race! Poor spoiled Lila.

Naturally, Elizabeth won this race for her team as if she’s been making her bed all her life, (wait a minute, she HAS!) for Jesscia making her bed is, at best, a once a week activity. Anyway she is glad for her twin since the Blue team took second place (Caroline Pearce was their bed maker) and she knows she’ll cream everyone in Crutch Croquet, her own original idea for a race. She even convinced the teachers to let HER do the drawing for this event.

 

As if we didn't see this coming, Jessica draws herself for Crutch Croquet, “Wow, isn’t that weird?” she asks.

“Oh, sure, what a coincidence.” a scathing Lila growls.

Lila looks fit to be tied when Jessica does indeed win the race for her team, knocking the croquet ball expertly around the field with her crutch, completing the course in less than ten minutes. She’s a pro, who has logged in LOTS of practice time!

 

Pool events, Untie Yourself (which the audience especially enjoyed), three-legged race, water balloon throw, and Pineapple Bowling all fly by then it’s time for the very last event, the Wheelchair Race. Here are the scores:

Reds and Blues are tied for first with 250 points, Blacks-210, and Whites trailing at a pitiful 200 points (because they have Ellen on their team, NAH NAH!)

 

Names are drawn for the race and the crowd is cheering wildly. Red team gets Ken Matthews, a small but very good athlete. The Black team got some nobody from the lower school. So did the White team.
But, for the Blue team, the lucky person drawn is…Pamela!

 

A hush falls over the crowd. “Aw, this isn’t fair-letting me take on two little kids and a…” Ken can’t even think of a good snark for Pamela, she’s a freak.

But Pamela isn’t intimidated, she can handle this race. She even winks at Ken with no hard feelings, “I wouldn’t get overconfident if I were you.” She tells him.

 

And they’re off! Pamela leads Ken by a foot. Jessica is screaming herself hoarse until she’s suddenly aware of someone else in the bleachers who cheers so loudly “the whole field seemed to reverberate” (Wow, Dr. Jacobson has the voice of God!).

 

It looks as if Ken is going to pass Pamela and win the race, he’s getting closer and closer…he’s PASSING her! Suddenly Ken's fingers get caught in the spokes and he looses control and veers to the right. Pamela crosses the finish line, winning the race AND the Mini Olympics for the Blue team! YAY!

 

Pamela’s dad rushes the field along with everyone else. He lifts his daughter up on his shoulders, he’s a changed and humbled man. From now on, he’ll never doubt his daughter’s ability to do physical things (like attend SVMS) again, he declares: “it’s obvious she can take perfectly good care of herself.”

“Oh, Daddy!”

Hugs and cheers all around.

 

So everything worked out just the way Jessica wanted it to *hem* (and for Pamela too, of course!) and best of all Lila Fowler and her team lost while Jessica, Sweet Valley's new "Citizen of the Year" got all the glory! 
Man, I LOVE how these Sweet Valley books end! I just feel all warm and tingly inside...*runs to the toilet to puke*

 

One week later, Saturday, Jessica comes down to breakfast crutch-free. Steven finally forgave her a couple chapters ago, so they’re friends again. Pamela wrote a great article about the Olympics for the Sixers and Liz is glad to have a new friend to add to her group, one who’s finally learned to come out of her shell and speak up for herself! Except we never really see Pamela again after this. Oh, she gets mentioned in passing once or twice in the next few SVT books until eventually she fades out and takes her place in the corner, where she belongs, with all the other Sweet Valley minorities!

 

Steven gets one last ESP tease in, (he was never TOTALLY cured you know!) Today, he predicts Jessica is going to have an incredibly DULL day. Jessica has made plans to go over to Ellen’s and watch the latest music video and practice new dance routines. Yep, sounds pretty dull to me too.

 

But Jessica’s day is far from dull. Four pages later a mysterious metal box is dug up by Jessica and Ellen in the Riteman’s backyard. Whatever could it contain…???

Sorry, someone else will have to recap #10 Buried Treasure.

My work here is done!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ok here it is, my recap of #78! I noticed no one had done this one yet and since I happen to own it, I thought I'd take the liberty and tackle it...hope no one minds!

 

For all SVT trivia buffs: the first five original SVT books had these small black and white photos printed on the inside front cover, (this is from book #5) showing the subsequent Sweet Valley Twins covers just in case the reader had missed purchasing them. I held on to all my original Sweet Valley Twins copies with these inside photo covers in case they might be worth something someday (or for showing off on an internet web page that wouldn't be invented for about 20 years) I'm really dating myself here aren't I?



Cover: The scene is the SVMS gymnasium. Elizabeth is biting her fingernail in worry over her best friend (why does Amy always look like an android on these SVT covers? You know, so…not-human-like?) while Amy looks dull and drab as usual yet the fact she's wearing JEANS to a cheerleading tryout leaves something to ponder. In this series, Amy was always described as having "straw-colored hair" but here it's almost a reddish brown! We know her hair was blonde in SVH. L'oreal anyone?

Copyright 1989
According to the inside cover list #30 Princess Elizabeth is the last book listed, therefore this Special Edition came out between SVT books #30 and #31. Someone please correct me if I'm wrong, I quit buying these after #28! Really, what was I thinking?!! Sweet Valley Twins is still most exciting series EVER!!